Friday, July 08, 2005

I've Got The Screaming Santorumimi's!

Senator Rick Santorum is back in the news again.

This time, the cheerful and cleanly scrubbed Senator from Pennsylvania (we're so proud) has ruffled some feathers with the release of his new book, It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good, a sort of "What I Believe" for the conservative nutjob set.

Not satisfied to be remembered as the politician who compared homosexuality to "man-on-dog" sex, Santorum seems determined to prove that he's no one-hit wonder.

Here's just a few gems from what will no doubt prove to be this summer's big beach read:

On public schools: "By asking the right question, we can see that when it comes to socialization, mass education is really the aberration, not homeschooling...It's amazing that so many kids turn out to be fairly normal, considering the weird socialization they get in public schools."

On those crazy two-salary families: "In far too many families with young children, both parents are working, when, if they really took an honest look at the budget, they might find they don't both need to, or at least may not need to work as much as they do..."

On women in the workplace: "Here, we can thank the influence of radical feminism...The radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness."

On self-improvement: "The notion that college education is a cost-effective way to help poor, low-skill, unmarried mothers with high school diplomas ... move up the economic ladder is just wrong."

On the obvious link between slavery and abortion: "This was tried once before in America...But unlike abortion today, in most states even the slaveholder did not have the unlimited right to kill his slave."

On Hillary Clinton: "When you look at the politics she would change, her 'politics of meaning' boil down to little more than feel-good rhetoric masking a radical left agenda."

Thanks to Rick, now you know just what that radical agenda is: Forcing women into the workplace instead of encouraging them to homeschool the kiddies, a must if we are to keep kids out of the public schools where they will then be indoctrinated into the ways of "man-on-dog" sex!

Did I mention that he's the third most powerful man in the Senate?

Did I mention that his name has been seriously bandied about as a potential Presidential or Vice-Presidential candidate?

Did I mention he's serious?

Anyway, the battle has been joined on the book's Amazon site, where sarcastic Libs are having a field day with the choicer passages of Santorum's "Profiles In Sewage." Surf on over and join the fun!

Amazon, strangely, seems to have passed on the review I contributed, so here it is for your delectation:

"As a fellow Pennsylvanian, I have to say that I think it’s great that Senator Slantorum has provided a voice for the loony and confused. The distinguished Senator’s first volume of advice to the brainworn, "It Takes a Village, or: How I Went Nuts!" is an inspirational tome that will fit perfectly underneath the short leg of my pool table.

It’s all here: Women: Feh! Gays: Oy! Man-on-Dog Sex: Bring It On! The somnambulant Senator Skanktorum explains it all to you, and in little words even Conservatives can understand.

And ooooh, that Hillary! Who likes her? Not Senator Smacktorum! She’s a woman and worse, she’s (grrrrrrr!) a Senator, too! Just like him! How the hell did that happen?

I’ve read this book three times already and feel ready to turn myself into the authorities, so long as they send me to Gitmo, that paradise on Earth where prisoners enjoy the tropical sun, gourmet meals, and kidney punches.

In a world of fake screwballs, Senator Spamtorum is the real thing. He’s made a real convert out of me with this initial, and very promising, offering. I give it 3 Jesuses out of 4, subtracting 1 Jesus for the bit about slavery and abortion which is just, y’know, nuts."

More compassionate conservativism from Fox News' Brit Hume re: yesterday's bombings:

"I mean, my first thought when I heard -- just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, 'Hmmm, time to buy.'"


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