Friday, August 26, 2005

The Crazy Southern Sisterhood of The Woo-Woo Underpants Club

They had all been childhood friends from very proper families. After the embarrassing incident with the physical education teacher and the pommel horse, Arianthe had been sent to Miss Cranston's School For The Wayward and Unfortunately Wealthy, where she'd met Clarissa whose golden curls beguiled small animals. Together they would hula hoop their summers away as the years began to slowly sculpt them into models of Southern womanhood, smarter than any man and as radiant as a can of corn from the Piggly Wiggly.

Jim had broad shoulders for a girl, but Arianthe and Clarissa were sensitive and intelligent enough not to judge her by her appearance. Jim liked them both very much and together the merry trio would haunt second-hand clothing stores, searching for that antique bauble that had the qualities of strength and tenderness that they all aspired to. Jim particularly enjoyed when they would share a dressing room together, exchanging used sweaters with each other as they giggled about which parts of their anatomy they wish they could change. Jim had a long list of these, but Arianthe and Clarissa assured her she would soon blossom as they had done and become a woman of strength while retaining a girlish innocence that men would find confusing.

Soon there was much blossoming going on. Arianthe and Clarissa blossomed their way across three states, in fact, while Jim would visit local bars as part of a journey of self discovery. The three would share their stories together late at night under a blanket, Arianthe and Clarissa much amazed at Jim's stories of generous out-of-town salesmen, while Jim stared at the pair wide-eyed as they described their proficiency at tearing open small wrappers with their teeth.

One night during a full moon, the three friends decided to make a ritual out of what was already obvious to the three of them already: they were a club, linked inextricably together for life, regardless of whoever blossomed who now or in the future. Recalling the words that Jim had uttered upon first seeing Arianthe and Clarissa in their crisp white cotton panties, the trio christened themselves The Crazy Southern Sisterhood of The Woo-Woo Underpants Club, a mad baptism that would stay with them all their lives, through various marriages, divorces, lawsuits, and sex change operations. Their identifying "handshake," as it were, consisted of one member lifting her skirt to reveal her underpants, while the other party would point and say, "Woo woo!" It was an empowering gesture that made them feel strong, as well as feminine.

But it was Crinoline who would finally teach them what it really meant to be a woman, Crinoline who would show them how to negotiate Life like a woman, Crinoline who would eventually go mad and be put into an assisted living facility for women. It was Crinoline who showed them that the Underpants Club was not merely some adolescent whimsy but an iron-clad declaration of friendship and dedication that would last their whole lives long. When she died, it was as if something died inside of Arianthe, Clarissa and Jim. But deep inside that death lay the blossoming of a new generation of Southern womanhood, a blossoming that would blossom until the world itself would point at the panties of the universe and declare, "Woo woo! Woo woo!"

A "Woo woo!" of Life, that would blossom in the hearts and minds of women everywhere who were smart, strong, beautiful and womanesque, bonded together by a common understanding that was as intimate as their undergarments.

Carpe Panties!


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