Hammer And Psycho

To hear these liberals carry on, "McCarthyism" was the worst thing that ever happened in the history of the universe.
- Ann Coulter

As an active part of the Liberal Media, I spend a good deal of time trying to think of ways to indoctrinate the innocent and unwary.

Even though we’re more or less running the show, leaving the audience scraps for the Limbaughs and O’Reillys, we won’t really be happy until we’ve turned the United States into a haven for gay atheists promoting an agenda of communist abortion.

Having said that, you’d be surprised how difficult it is sometimes to stir up interest and publicity. For instance, this site should really be seeing much more traffic than it does, at least according to my masters in Al Qaeda.

So I’m always on the lookout for new ways to promote the Liberal Agenda.

Recently, Bill O’Reilly made some comments about how San Francisco’s reluctance to allow military recruiters into their schools should want to make Americans say to Al Qaeda, “Look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.”

Well, the news, I mean the Liberal Media, ran with the story and if there’s one thing O’Reilly hates, it’s being quoted correctly. So he soon had his panties in a twist about what he referred to as “the far-left smear sites” run by “anti-American people.”

“They hate this country,” O’Reilly said, “they do. And if you read their garbage day in and day out, we're the bad guys. We're always wrong. Blame America first. That's who these people are on the far left on the Internet.”

It’s hard to imagine anyone characterizing someone who openly invites terrorists to blow up an American city as a “bad guy,” but apparently they’re out there.

So Bill’s had enough and he’s announced that he’s going to devote his vast media empire to exposing these heinous sites. I was going to write to him and ask him if he could include this site here but, for some reason, I can never convince these guys that I represent that much of a danger.

Earlier this year, I read an article on Salon regarding right-wing loony David Horowitz’s “Discover The Network” site, a site that aspires to be a master list of liberals. Thus encouraged, I wrote a letter to Horowitz, which Salon ran, practically begging to be included but to no avail:

Dear Mr. Horowitz,

I read with considerable interest today about your "Discover the Network: A Guide to the Political Left" project today. And my first reaction, frankly, was "Where was I?"

I'll admit that my name as yet does not carry the star power or recognition of, say, a Roger Ebert, whom you have generously included. And I understand you're currently operating with limited means and time. Still, doesn't it seem to be a little "elitist" not to include those of us ordinary folks who make a point of criticizing the Bush administration on a daily basis, even though the paparazzi aren't stalking us?

If you want to be seen as something more than the "Access Hollywood" of blacklists, I think you would do well to expand your parameters to include those of us who don't have a music video coming out, or whose utterances don't tempt the ear of the (liberal) media. In short, I'm making you a proposition: If those of us on the left who are not famous are willing to turn ourselves in, would you consider adding us to your prestigious list?

I'm not asking you to do this sight unseen. I'm saying that if someone like myself could provide enough background material and letters from other sources to help back up my claims, perhaps you could give those of us who aren't celebrities some consideration.

For instance, I've been going on about what a jerk George W. Bush is for years. Not only Bush, but all his little beady-eyed cronies. I like Michael Moore. I won't even turn right when I'm driving if I can help it.

Of course, I have another motive here. In plain words, I could use the publicity and, as I'm pushing 50 as of this writing, I haven't got a whole lot of time left to become an Enemy of the State.

Is it selfish and shallow of me to daydream of the cachet my name would gain as a member of your list? My crazy liberal buddies would be drooling, I don't mind telling you, as surely as if I'd scored a ticket to a fundraiser for Osama bin Laden. I'd get invited to a lot more parties and my networking opportunities would increase without my having to lift a pinky.

So think it over. Don't dismiss my plea. Consider the credibility you would stand to gain as a list that truly cares about including the grass-roots Bush-haters, as well as the Hollywood elite. I think we could both stand to gain from pooling our talents -- in a non-communist, capitalist way, of course. I look forward to hearing from you.

But, sadly, I never did.

I don’t know what these guys want from me.