Saturday, August 13, 2005

The Gathering Brush

Cindy Sheehan, whose soldier son was killed in Iraq and who is now camping by a road in Crawford, Texas, is demanding a meeting with President Bush...
- News Item

Good evening, my fellow Amnesiacs.

I’ve decided to take the dramatic step of interrupting my working vacation (clearing brush all day can take it outta ya, lemme tell ya, heh heh) to speak to you tonight about our continuing battle against evil-doing and the evil-doers who are doing it so very, very evilly.

I know many of you are concerned about what seems to be an unending conflict and deepening quagmire that appears to be getting worse the longer we stay in it. I’ll be honest. I’m as baffled as you good folks. We’ve told them we’re American and everything, but it still doesn’t seem to be working. We’ve explained all the trouble we went to getting the war off the ground, by exaggerating the threat, using forged documents, and scaring the crap out of the American people. They seem, well, they’re a little ungrateful if you don’t mind my saying.

As many of you are aware, there’s a woman camped out not far from here, a Mrs. Cindy Sheehan, who refuses to leave until she's allowed to talk to me. My friends, nothing would make me happier than to be able to sit down with Mrs. Sheehan and have a good heart-to-heart discussion about why her son or daughter had to die for such a noble cause. Unfortunately, it seems to me that speaking with her would send the wrong signals to the Iraqis, who are ready to pounce on any evidence of weakness on our part. Besides which, I have it on good authority from Karl Rove that Ms. Sheehan has been responsible for at least one U.S. fatality, that of her son, Egbert. That’s right, if she’d never gotten pregnant, there’d have been no son for us to send into a useless war. So whose fault is it really? In addition to which, I'll bet you anything she's Pro-Choice. In which case, it seems to me that she should be thanking us for performing the abortion she never got a chance to have!

With all due repect to Mrs. Sheehan, her son Scrappy is no longer part of the Culture of Life. He's having tea with Jesus now. I'm sure they're having a great time. But how can we promote a Culture of Life when we spend so much time concentrating on all these dead people? It's...counterproductive! This is why I prefer not to attend any of those memorial services or release pictures of the flag-draped coffins. It's boring stuff. They ain't comin' back. Circle o' life, blah blah blah.

I prefer to think about the Soon-To-Be Killed. They're gallant little guys and gals, I'll tell ya, some of 'em barely out of high school. Makes me proud to think about how exciting their last days are gonna be, shooting evil-doers and losing limbs they've come to know and love. That's the kind of "Can Do" attitude we could use a little more of around here because, frankly, looking at these poll numbers has me a little depressed. Seems like we've got a few wussies out there who are only all too willing to let Osama prop up his sandals in the Oval Office.

Hey, fine by me. Just gives me more time to clear away all this brush. And every minute that Mrs. Sheehan's protest distracts me from my vacation, that's more time for the brush to gather and close in. And if no one clears the brush, the next thing you know there's brush everywhere! Get out of bed, brush. Down to the kitchen, brush. Get in your car, well, whadaya know...brush.

Is that what you want, America? A brush-filled country with no one to clear it, brush as far as the eye can see? I'd be happy to clear it, but seems you folks want to go another way. Hey, ok by me. Clear your own brush. See how far you get. Not far, I bet. You need good, thick gloves and...someone to bring out some lemonade. You think the Iraqis give a hoot about lemonade? You bet your boots they don't.

I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan, truly I do. But she's not helping anyone by crying about how her son Filbert couldn't make the cut. Like I said to Cheney, either you clear the brush or the brush clears you! It's a Brush Eat Brush world out there. Say what you will about Karl, but when he tried to help that reporter avoid writing a story that would have been incorrect, he was working for the war effort. When Mrs. Sheehan sheds these crocodile tears about her son Farnsworth, she's giving aid and comfort to the enemy by leaking the fact that they've successfully killed another of our soldiers. She's actually committing an act of treason.

Which is why I say 10 to 15 years for Sheehan, and Rove in 2008!

Now if you'll pardon me, there's some brush that needs clearing.

Unless you'd like to do it.


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