Friday, August 05, 2005

No Brains For You!

Those of you who've had it up to here with scientists, doctors, and the rest of those elitist eggheads and who've been patiently waiting for them to be supplanted by a belief in the Almighty…

Your time has come.

Yes, indeed. One of the many countless benefits of having handed the keys to the White House over to Resident Bush and the GOP's Big Tent of Mental Cases has been a renewed enthusiasm on their part to uproot and remove intelligence and common sense wherever it may be hiding and replace it with a fervent belief in the existence and mission of Jesus Christ.

Because, leave us face it, Blab: they can't rest until you get with the program. I mean, I can't blame them. They really, really, really like Jesus. You like to spread the word about stuff you like, don't you? Didn't you make everyone watch that show with the crabby doctor in it? Of course you did.

Now imagine if you had a friend who could force people to watch the crabby doctor show. Wouldn't that be cool?

So I, for one, am sympathetic with their aim to convince the rest of us to start every day the Jesus Way. Imagine waking up every morning to a brimming bowl of Jesus-O's, followed by grabbing the Jesus Local that takes you to your Jesus job. You grab a Jesus Bar for breakfast ("Turns into Jesus as you eat it!") and nod to your fellow disciples while making small talk: "Good Jesus to you! Nice Jesus we're having!" "Well, yes, but they say it may Jesus later." "Jesus, I left my windows down! So long!"

As you may have heard, the Jesus brigade has had some success recently in sneaking Creationism through the back door of the schoolhouse by renaming it (hopefully with tongue firmly planted in cheek) "Intelligent Design."

One has to appreciate the satirical sensibility that goes into the Right's naming of things. They're always the opposite of what they are. For example: Program to discourage intelligence = Intelligent Design. Program to remove your civil rights = Patriot Act. God, they're good.

Anyways, guess who got on the old Intelligent Design bandwagon the other day?

You're too quick for me.

That's right. A reporter asked Resident Bush about the current controversy and he replied, "Both sides ought to be properly taught . . . so people can understand what the debate is about."

Debate? It's a debate?

As long as we're teaching religious fundamentalism, maybe we should teach the other side of 9/11. You know, present the side of the guys who flew the planes into the World Trade Center. So people can understand what the debate is all about.

Well, the hosannas have been filling the air.

Well-known Christian conservative nutcase Gary Bauer said, "With the president endorsing it, at the very least it makes Americans who have that position more respectable, for lack of a better phrase…It's not some backwater view. It's a view held by the majority of Americans."

That's right, you heard him. The majority of your fellow Americans no longer believe in scientific research. As Walter Matthau once said to Jack Lemmon, "Now it's garbage."

And this is way beyond backwater, Gar. This is in back of the backwater. We're in the area of self-inflicted brain damage here.

It's all right, though. The next time we need a new vaccine for some troublesome bug, we'll just wait for Jesus to deliver it in his magical ice cream truck.

It'll be our only choice, actually, as our future scientists will be busy praying for a miracle, the way they were taught in Biology.

This is a two-pronged attack, though. While we may be successful in nipping Science in the bud in its early stages, we must also do what we can to discourage any active research going on now, like the research on stem cells.

Science is a wily creature and we must always be on guard against its tendency to contradict the Bible.

Now the stem cell thing is going pretty well. We've already managed to define the argument as Jesus = Good, Science = Bad.

But then Senator Bill "I'm A Doctor, Dammit!" Frist (you remember him, he did a Vulcan mind-meld on Terry Schiavo and declared that she wasn't brain dead after all) did a turnaround on Resident Bush and came out for the whole stem cell thing.

Traitor! Whoremonger! Adulterer!

And that's just what Ann Coulter called him.

So it was time to up the ante. Enter Dr. James "Jesus Told Me You Suck" Dobson, head of Focus On The Family. On his August 3rd broadcast, he said the following:

"…People talk about the potential for good that can come from destroying these little embryos and how we might be able to solve the problem of juvenile diabetes. There's no indication yet that they're gonna do that, but people say that, or spinal cord injuries or such things. But I have to ask this question: In World War II, the Nazis experimented on human beings in horrible ways in the concentration camps, and I imagine, if you wanted to take the time to read about it, there would have been some discoveries there that benefited mankind."

Jesus = Good, Scientists = Nazis. Good show, Dobson!

Dr. Dobson will be only one of the lunatics who will be speaking at "Justice Sunday 2: - God Save the United States and this Honorable Court!" on Sunday, August 14. Those of you who have fond memories of the original "Justice Sunday - Stopping the Filibuster Against People of Faith," will have some idea of the fun that's in store as the Religious Right lines up its heavy hitters to knock one out of the park for Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus!

There doesn't seem to be as much political participation this time around (can you say "approaching mid-term elections"?), but it wouldn't be a party without Crazy Zell "I Can Take You With One Hand Tied Behind My Back" Miller and Tom "Ethics? What Ethics?" DeLay, plus the Catholic's League's Bill Donohue, Phyllis Schlafly, and convicted Watergate felon Chuck Colson.

One noticeable exception will be the aforementioned Dr. Frist, who appeared at the first Jesuspalooza but whose new stem cell stance has made him decidedly un-Jesusy. So he'll just have to watch at home on his satanic television and pray that Jesus doesn't whup his scientific ass.

I have a thought.

Maybe, one day, all the doctors and scientists should go on strike.

Just refuse to do anything, until Resident Bush and his whole Christian infantry of science-hatin', tobaccy-chewin', cousin-lovin', banjo-playin', Nascar-watchin', beer-swillin', NRA-belongin', fetus-savin', bible-thumpin', promise-keepin', wife-beatin', gay-bashin', book-burnin', flag-wavin', swift-boatin', gas-guzzlin', tree-choppin', ozone-depletin', evidence-manufacturin' inbred swine promise to crawl back into the swamp they came from and stay there until Evolution gets it right.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Cleetus Santana said...

I just love this "Culture of Life". Bully for you if you are a bunch of cells in a petri dish but it all ends there. Your life ain't worth jack as soon as you are born.
How about the 1800+ soldiers who died in this "Struggle Over Extremism"...oops, that's not as catchy as "The War on Terrorism"! How valuable were their lives? Our troops are just cannon fodder for Halliburton/Exxon and big profits.

These are dark days indeed for our country. It's time to wake up and smell the Fascism.

Friday, August 05, 2005 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Count Screwloose said...

Just the sort of pablum I'd expect you knee-jerk liberals to dribble! You won't be laughing so hard when Osama's beating your spoiled candy asses with camel-hair brushes! You won't be burning any flags for a while, I can tell you that, my misguided, Moore-loving friend!

I, too, have dropped the phrase "War On Terror" and now prefer to use the more descriptive "Iraqi Whack-A-Mole."

P.S. Rush Is High!

Friday, August 05, 2005 1:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Javahead said...

Hello Mr. Screw,

1) I love you.
2) You know very well that Inbreeding in the case of first cousins, began as a way to preserve royal blood. Please, try to be a little compassionate. It is still the norm in many countries to preserve royal blood or familiar blood lines. Inbreeding of cousins has 4-6% chance of producing malformities, the norm is 2-3% between unreleated people. I don't think Jesus would approve, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do!
Oh dear... what will Screw do now?!

Saturday, August 06, 2005 1:43:00 PM  

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