Wednesday, July 27, 2005

War On Terror: Over!

But she’s got a new hat. – Waylon Smithers

That’s right! Mission Accomplished!

Welcome to the "Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism"!

Apparently, the folks at 1600 Pennsylvania took time out from exposing CIA agents to take a look at the war’s poll numbers. Not good at all, no.

So what do you do when you need to goose sales? You come up with something that looks new but is actually the same old thing. Comic book companies have known about this one for years.

In one of many wonderful quotes from an interview with an administration official reported by the NY Times, they practically come out and say it: "We need to dispute both the gloomy vision and offer a positive alternative."

How did this conference go?

"You know, ‘war on terror’ just sounds so...9/11. We need to jazz it up, y'know, like an iPod commercial, something the kids can relate to…"

"How about iRaq?"

"That’s good, that’s good…but it has to sound contemporary, like we’re sending Tony Hawk into Baghdad."

"I’ve got it! ‘The Struggle Against Violent X-Tremism’!"

The same official also explained that part of the reason for the switch is that "the struggle is beyond military and intelligence, and a 'let's get 'em' component."

What’s this? No more "Bring ‘em on"? Say it ain’t so, George! You’re stripping away whatever masculinity this country’s got left! Surely you’re not letting those wussy critics of your misguided foreign policy get to you? S’gettin’ like a feller can’t believe in nothin’ no more. Shucks, Lulubelle!

So remember, when you go down to your local recruiting office, don’t ask to join the "war on terror." They’ll laugh your uncool, outdated ass right out of there. Ask for the (deep breath, now) "global struggle against violent extremism."

Who are they kidding? They’ll never get all that out of Bush’s mouth unscathed. It’ll turn into the "globular struggle against extreme violencity!"

Maybe it’s just as well they didn’t approach the comic companies for help. We could have ended up with the "Struggle Against Infinite Crisis."

Hey, that makes more sense.

Rick Santorum has ruled out a Presidential run in 2008, he says, thereby giving you folks a few more years to figure out what stuff you want to bring to Canada. I see that Jon Stewart is taking a bit of liberal heat for having him on The Daily Show and handling him with kid gloves. From what I’ve read, Stewart did everything but offer him a foot massage.

I didn’t see it, but I’m sort of glad I didn’t. How hard is it to get your guests to consent to being tarred and feathered, anyway?


Anonymous Cleetus Santana said...

A big shout out to Elvis Costello.
Live on Good Morning America with Emmylou Harris- He came back for his second number.... looks into the camera and sings...

"Admit you lied and bring the boys back home..."


Friday, July 29, 2005 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Count Screwloose said...

I believe this was a tweak to Scarlet Tide, the song from the Cold Mountain soundtrack.

He did the same thing to great applause when we saw him about a week ago at the Tower. That's our boy.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005 9:23:00 AM  

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