Saturday, October 08, 2005

Bush Dentist Gets Nod For Supreme Court

(AP) WASHINGTON - In what was seen as an apparent reaction to disgruntled voices on both sides of the political aisle, President Bush withdrew his nomination of Harriet Miers to the US Supreme Court and announced a new nomination, that of his dentist, Dr. Ira Needleman D.D.S. of Frederick, Maryland.

Making the announcement at a hastily arranged press conference, the President, whose dwindling political capital and failing poll numbers have caused concern among the party faithful, sought to assuage the fears of his base.

"Dr. Needleman is a good doctor," the President told reporters. "Like me, he works hard. It's hard work, being a doctor. You've know, be all doctory and it's important work, hard work."

When questioned by a reporter as to Dr. Needleman's credentials to sit on the highest court in the land, the President became suddenly quiet and serious.

"Now I'm not one of those people that thinks that knowing anything about the law is a requirement for sitting on the Supreme Court. I'm just not. What's important to me is that I know his heart. He's fixed a great many of my own teeth, teeth that were hurting me. Now I don't know a lot about what he does. All I know is that before I went to see him, I was in pain. And after I saw him, the pain was gone."

"And that's what he'll do for America. He'll take a look inside the mouth of this great country of ours and take an X-ray. Then he'll shoot us with a powerful numbing agent that will take a few minutes to work. Finally, and most importantly, he'll drill out the cavities of malaise and despair. He will not be like one of these activist dentists who try to drill from the bench. He will give us the smile we need to bring our allies closer and the bite we require to take a big bite out of Al-Qaida."

"And he's a faith-based dentist, too. Now I don't want to get into any particulars about how he'd vote on issues like abortion, abortion, or abortion, that's his business. But let's just say that I've known Dr. Needleman for as long as I've been in Washington. And we've had long talks that may or may not have included how much we hate abortion. And so, abortionally speaking, let me just say that I think I know his abortion-hating heart well enough to be able to stand here before you and say that he will put an end to that 'quiet holocaust' that goes on every day in clinics across this great land. And by 'quiet holocaust,' I mean that which or may not be referred to as 'abortion.'"

The President then winked repeatedly at his evangelical Christian supporters, answered one or two more questions and then declared the press conference over.

In a related story, Dr. Needleman was indicted before the President had finished speaking.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seriously heart this blog.

I'm still seething about this nomination. Yet more evidence that this man is a moron and doesn't understand our system at all. How do you nominate someone who has never been a judge, and whose last position wasn't even trial based, to be a SUPREME COURT JUSTICE??!!! AHHHHHHHH.
-Jill (magentalai)

Sunday, October 16, 2005 3:30:00 PM  

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