Thursday, December 22, 2005

Hard To Swallow

Tim Russert: Good morning everyone, and welcome to the first half hour of Meet The Press during which our guest will be Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Good morning, Ms. Rice.

Condoleeza Rice: Good morning, Tim.

TR: Let's get right to it, then. This week the New York Times came out with a story that they say they've been sitting on for quite some time and it's one that's sent shockwaves through most political circles. According to the Times, it seems that President Bush has a fondness for eating babies.

CR: That's right, Tim.

TR: What do you have to say about that, Ms. Rice? First of all, does the White House really believe that President Bush has the right to gorge himself on tiny infants?

CR: I'm not a lawyer, Tim, but it seems to me that the right of the President to eat babies is implied in the Constitution. You know, "life, liberty and the pursuit of tasty newborns."

TR: I think that's actually "happiness," but no matter. Are you saying, Ms. Rice, that President Bush, merely because he is President, should be allowed to do anything he wants without having to answer to anyone?

CR: We call the President the "Commander-in-Chief," Tim. "Commander" means "boss," as does "chief." So he's the Boss of all Bosses. They get to do what they want.

TR: Sort of like a...Mafia kingpin?

CR: That's right, Tim.

TR: Moving on, is the President's appetite for cherubic flesh something that's at odds with the Republican Party's dedication to work for a "culture of life"?

CR: Not at all, Tim. These children are actually alive when he eats them.

TR: Isn't that drawing a fine...line...

CR: Not at all, not at all. I'm not a lawyer, Tim, but technically speaking, President Bush is not responsible for anything he does when under the influence of an ancient god whose name roughly translates into English as "He Who Must Digest Child Meat."

TR: My god. Does that happen often?

CR: Often enough.

TR: So it's the position of this White House, then, that the President is breaking no existing laws when he indulges in these, shall we say, macabre snacks?

CR: That's absolutely right, Tim. If God didn't mean for us to eat children, he wouldn't have put so many of them here.

TR: Words to ponder, Ms. Rice, words to ponder.

CR: Their pliant, tasty flesh also gives the President the energy he needs to face the terrorist threat that has been gathering like a dark mushroom cloud on the horizon since that dark day of -

TR: - the attack on our freedoms and way of life on 9/11?

CR: Correct.

TR: So no apologies here? The President of the United States will continue to chow down on America's best and brightest hope for the future?

CR: They knew the danger when they enlisted, Tim.

TR: Well, strictly speaking...

CR: And, by and large, he's leaving the Christian babies alone. Those are God's children, to consume as He sees fit.

TR: Good to know. Next up, a candid roundtable discussion on the general putrid horribleness of people who tell the truth, next on Meet The Press.


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