The Loser Winners: A Word With Sarah Palin

(In light of recent events, we consider ourselves fortunate to have had the opportunity to conduct the following interview):

So let me get this straight. You just quit.

No, no I didn’t. You weren’t listening.

I was standing right there.

No, you see, I may lose in the short term, but Alaska will win in the long term.

Losing’s like quitting, right?

No.

So you’re not quitting?

No.

You’re going to stay in office and fight this thing out?

No.

I’m still confused.

Look, it’s like I’m the quarterback and I’ve just been flagged for using illegal steroids.

Right.

Now if I stay and defend myself against these ridiculous lie-filled lies that the big city folk have come up with, Alaska loses.

Right.

So the only way for me to help Alaska win is for me to lose.

Which means you quit.

No! Look, I’m a maverick and we do things in unconventional ways.

I see.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years of quitting public service, it’s that I don’t need a ‘title’ to accomplish any sort of positive change.

Then why run for anything in the first place?

I’m sorry?

If you’ve always believed that you don’t need those kinds of titles to serve the public, why not just avoid the process entirely? Sort of like quitting before you quit.

Yes, but that would be quitting. I’m not quitting.

That’s right. You mentioned that.

And right now, staying on would be the most quittingest thing I could do. Why is that so difficult to understand?

So you’re not quitting?

No. Quitting is the only way I can not quit.

That’s pretty mavericky, all right.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Interesting.

We need more Trigs. Lots and lots more Trigs! Full court press!

(offstage) It’s time to go, Ms. Palin.

(passes hand in front of face) I am not the droid you’re looking for.