That Was Then, This Is Ow!

I have been informed by people in a position to know that there was once a time in the history of this forum when you could read about something other than my kvetching about various health problems.

For instance, I apparently would go on about the occasional writer or musician, perhaps a notable film.

I will take this on faith. On the other hand, why listen to my opinions on today’s cultural climate when I’ll assume you’re perfectly capable of doing that yourself? I refuse to insult you further by imposing my artistic prejudices upon you.

Having said that, I found this new thing after taking a shower.

It was not only new to me, but I’d never even heard of anything like it before. (Ladies, start your engines!)

Actually, it did remind me of one thing, so it was off to the Internet for self-diagnosis.

Now most of the time this sort of search just results in no answers and increased hypochondria. But lo and behold, I found the thing. I mean, there was absolutely no doubt: every aspect of it had been captured online in words and pictures.

I'll leave the details to your warm imaginations but suffice it to say that it had a name that would have fit neatly into one of the Star Wars pictures, somewhere between Lorth Needa and Salacious Crumb.

So I called up my doctor and told him I seemed to have this G***h***l W*n*t. He tells me that I should see a surgeon about it and the surgeon takes a look at it and says, “Yeah, that’s what that is, all right.”

Well, you know, after paying him 25 bucks I didn’t like feeling that I’d already done most of the work.

Something about Life has definitely changed when I can develop some strange and exotic condition and then, without having spent a single day in medical school, be able to march into the waiting room knowing exactly what it is, thanks to my friends at Wikipedia.

There’s something quite empowering about that, of course, but now that we have the answers in the back of the book, it may be making the doctors a little more anxious to close the deal.

The next thing I knew he was scheduling me for surgery. Was this absolutely necessary? I asked. Well, it’s the best thing because it’s the only way to really blah blah blah, but –

It could come back anyway.

Then he showed me what kind of incision was involved and how I’d be knocked out or they could decide to give me a spinal…

Spinal is one of those words that’s kind of like a red flag for me which, roughly translated, means GO NO FURTHER.

I kept asking if I really had to do this and I kept feeling like I wasn’t getting an answer, other than “It’s really the best and most efficient way to, etc.”

It started to remind me of those times when I’d had to buy a car, only this time the guy was saying, “What do I have to do to get you into one of these hospital gowns today?”

In all fairness, he may well be right – this may be the most sensible way to go. But right now, for me, the things that would be involved in this particular exorcism are enough to make me take a wait-and-see stance.

You know, I bet there’s probably some site online where you could teach yourself surgery…