Undead To Santorum: Drop Dead!

(PA) - There’s only a week to go until Election Day and the rhetoric of the flailing Rick Santorum campaign seems to have become increasingly shrill as the candidate desperately tries to find a way to gain some traction.

His latest statement, declaring that his opponent Bob Casey massages the feet of Al-Qaida frontman Osama Bin Laden with unguents and sweet oils, doesn’t seem to have helped his standing with the electorate.

Faced with the looming prospect of returning to private life, we thought it would be interesting to see if he would be welcomed back to the ranks of the Undead from whence he sprang.

With this in mind, we traveled to the Undead Mall of America and spoke to a random selection of shoppers.

One Count Dracula told us, “He was sent to do the bidding of the Prince of Lies and claim the Earth for Satan. Instead we get this stuff about ‘man-on-dog’ sex. No thanks.”

A Mr. Lawrence Talbot chimed in, “We’re witnessing the Last Days Of The Beast, in my opinion. I wish him the best, but I can’t say I’d be glad to see him come back. At the very least, I would hope they’d alert the neighbors if he was moving in.”

Representing the medical community, a Dr. Frankenstein offered, “I think the whole Terry Schiavo thing really hurt him. I mean, even I could see she wasn’t coming back. Having said that, I don’t think playing God is necessarily a bad thing, but at some point you’ve got to admit that that dog won’t hunt.”

Lastly, a Mr. Dick Cheney, greedily clutching the latest in waterboarding paraphrenalia, opined, “I can certainly appreciate that he was an abomination and an affront to everything Good and Decent. But he’s outlived his usefulness and will probably be recycled into demonic excrement or a truss for Hitler.”